write_sp05
1302
2369
Semester: write_sp05
Assignment #: 2.2
Course: 1302
Items: assignment type: w
Course_id: 2369
Assignment: For this writing review, respond to the following prompts in 400-600 words. Remember that an effective writing review usually includes specific quotes from peer critiques or instructor comments and describes how the quotes were or were not particularly helpful in revising the draft. However, you do not have to have instructor comments or critiques to do a good review. Examine the assignment again, look over your first two drafts, and try to respond to the following ideas in 400-500 words:
- Evaluate the nature of your problematic issue--why do you think the issue is significant and how you think you might make it more signficant?
- What have you learned about your solution as you have worked on this research essay? What do you think you can now include to make the solution more feasible and acceptible that you didn't think of before doing your research?
- Which of the critiques and comments have seemed most effective to you, and why? If you didn’t receive any critiques or comments, what has helped guide you in your revision/re-thinking of your topic?
- How has your research plan or way of going about collecting information for your argument changed or evolved over the two drafts? What has caused you to change it? What sources did you encounter that surprised you?
- What have you seen in other people's drafts that have given you ideas or ways to improve your writing?
Item #: 1
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (5/5/2005 9:07:11 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79480
I felt that I did ok on the last assignment but I did not do my best.
Item #: 2
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (5/5/2005 6:00:45 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80987
I think that the issue I have chosen for my draft is a very problematic issue which should be a very significant one to many people. Social security is an issue which affects every citizen in the United States. The reforms which are being suggested are not a decision which should be taken lightly. These reforms will make the difference between adequate retirement funds for future generations, or a country stricken with economic insecurity. I don’t think that there is any way to make this issue more significant. I have learned a lot about my solution since working on this issue. My original plan for this paper was to find out the background of social security then get a good idea of what the problems facing social security are. I was then going to research the different plans for reform and try to show which would be the best for our country. I did realize till researching further that there is really only one plan for reform. The Bush plan is the only plan which has been tested and worked. The Democratic Party has not released an opposing plan and have done little more than criticize the existing plan. After realizing what the situation was I realized that my draft should not only support the solution but also educate the reader that this is way beyond a party issue. This issue should be worked with both democrats and republicans making compromises in order to get the best possible system for our country. I think that the most effective critique which I have received is on my first draft when I though I had turned in one of the best papers so far and ended up getting a 65 and some comments which really made me realize the quality of work which is expected from me. I had not followed the format of the paper properly and thought that if I just wrote a good paper it would not matter. The critique opened my eyes and I have been following the format and try very hard to write to the best of my ability since. I think that the biggest change which has occurred to my research plan is the type of sources which I have used. I thought that I would be using mostly books for my research, but since this issue has been very controversial in resent months I have found most of my good information in journal articles and newspapers. I think that the one thing that I have seen is other peoples drafts which have given me Ideas to improve my writing is organization. I have seen some drafts which are well organized and some that are not well organized. The papers which were well organized were more effective and seemed more problematic even if there subject was truly not. When a paper flows well and get a clear point across it make it much more effective over all.
Item #: 3
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing review 2.2 (5/3/2005 12:05:21 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80392
The problem my instructor found in this draft is that my research questions were not answered and that I did not have a proper solution to the problem. The way I intended this draft was for it to be an informative paper on the problems facing Social Security. I wanted to be able to give the readers enough information to be able to come up with a solution on their own.
Looking back, I would say that this would probably leave the readers with more questions than answers. So I should provide a possible solution and hope that they take enough of the information to either agree or disagree and to be able to debate why using solid information and statistics from my paper. This shouldn’t be a discussion based on opinions without resources, but one with evidence and intellectual thought.
To make this issue more significant I could try and relate the information to three groups of people showing how it would affect each. The first person could be a person about to retire in the next year or two, the second person could be someone who will retire in 2025-2030, and the final person could be someone my age who will not retire for another 50 years. This might show how each group is affected for better or worse.
I think my solution will be one that encompasses some points from each viewpoint. Fixing Social Security is not a black and white question and the answer certainly won’t be that simple either. This is a very complex issue and should be decided after much debate and discussions with the proper facts.
I think the instructor’s comments will help me as I revise this draft. “Your discussion of audience is good, and you've identified relevant groups who can affect/implement your solution. The main thing you need to do is decide exactly what your argument will be. Engage the research to examine varied perspectives. Form a clear thesis statement that poses your specific solution to the problem.” This showed me that I was on the right track, but that I did need to make some changes in order to meet all of the criteria and also have quality paper. I did not make enough changes from the first and so the instructor said that this draft seemed “more like an extended 2.1.” I think I need to use more sources and different types of sources so that I can provide a broad spectrum of ideas and solutions from which my own solution will be based.
I feel the more relatable I can make this, the more response I can evoke from people. I have read a few drafts that seem to be directed towards someone other than me. I have selected a topic, which should impact at some point just about everyone. Therefore I should make this paper about every one and try and reach as many people as possible. I wouldn’t want this paper to sit in a drawer of just one kind of individual. It would be my goal that this paper be read and critiqued by anyone interested in fixing Social Security.
I would want something to come from this paper and something more than just a grade.
Item #: 4
Grade: 96
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (5/2/2005 9:09:26 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 78736
Having a sports issue makes explaining the significance of the issue very challenging, but in the same breath very important to the success of the draft. While I understand with a wide perspective a sports issue seems trite at best, the issue itself is of significant importance not only to the NFL, but to other sports as well. It also has a larger legal significance when dealing with NFL draft policies and the Sherman anti-trust act. The issue of making the draft more significant is hard, especially when some would argue it lacks significance at all. However, exploring the legal aspect more intently would help to add significance and depth to the draft.
A solution for my research paper has been hard to come by. The problem is my claim supports the current status quo, and it is the public at large that disagree with the status quo. So at this point in the draft cycle my solution will be to look for a compromise between the two sides. Currently the NFL age limit is 21 years old. My solution would be to keep an age limit supporting my claim that an age limit is necessary. The compromise would be to lower the current NFL age limit to 20 years old.
No peer critiques have to this point been received. However I have received back instructor comments which are always ten times more helpful anyway. The most helpful comment I received was on what I already felt was the most challenging part of my draft already, which is making sure I stress the significance of the issue. I won’t spend anymore time discussing it since I have already mentioned it earlier, but this will be crucial for draft 2.3. Also, the instructor gave a very helpful organization tip. My draft is focusing on two particular individuals that have been burned by the current NFL draft policy. In 2.2, I opened the introduction by giving specifics about the two young men then discussing the issue as a whole. The instructor suggested switching the organization of the opening by starting on a broad level then get to specifics about the two players. Which is a simple change, but one that I think would help the flow of the introduction dramatically.
Being a hopeful future sports journalist I had a pretty good idea about what sources I would find and what information would be available on my issue. Due to this my thought on the issue has not changed much through the course of the research. I do not, however, think that bias thinking kept me from changing or evolving my ideas. I was simply very well versed on the subject before research even started and most of the sources I found simply backed up my thinking.
I honestly have not seen much in other drafts that have aided my cause much. Most of the drafts I have read have given the impression of students that do not really understand the assignment. For example, neither of the drafts I peer critiqued had claim statements. One did not even have an introduction. So I have taken a lot of advice from my classroom and document instructors rather than looking too closely at other people’s drafts for direction.
Item #: 5
Grade: 97
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Continuing with the Nursing Shortage (4/30/2005 11:13:36 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80279
In Draft 2.2, I further expanded my understanding of the problematic nursing shortage. This nursing shortage is a problem in itself, but when combined with the aging Baby Boomer generation, the problem is dramatically magnified. Through further research, I was able to decide how to properly formulate my solution. It turns out that the solution needs to involve two distinct steps, national funding and education reform for nursing schools. This solution sounded impractical before I completed my research. Now, the solution sounds feasible as I have found information about federal spending that should have been geared toward a similar solution years ago. I have also found statistical information and expert opinion on the monetary state of nursing programs and their inability to educate the number of students who qualify. By bringing the testimony of the U.S. Congress into the picture, I can show that money geared toward aiding the medical has merely aided research while a nursing shortage grows.
The way that I have decided to make this problem an even more dramatic issue that I already have is by comparing statistical data. Before this draft, the only information I had that related the nursing shortage to the Baby Boomer generation was quotes from experts that really told no statistic. Through research, I found statistics on the life expectancy of the Baby Boomers. I also found statistical information on the years that large numbers of nurses would retire and expert opinion on the state of new nurses filling their shoes. By comparing the two sets of data, I can show that the last years of a Baby Boomer’s life, the years that medical care is needed the most, is also the same time that the nation expects to have the fewest number of nurses working in healthcare. I truly feel that this data will define the nursing shortage issue.
I haven’t had any additional help or realizations by considering the critiques of my peers. The critiques were very positive and gave little or no advice. Coincidentally, I am sticking to my original research plan; the plan has evolved quite a bit though. My research plan for draft 2.1 was simple. I needed to collect as much data on the subject as possible. Preceding draft 2.2, I geared my research toward finding loop holes or evidence of neglect by federal and state governments in the issue of the nursing shortage. By doing so, I came across a much needed piece of information that will hold my solution together. I found that in a hearing by the National Committee on Allocations, a growing amount of money has been granted to the nation’s health institutes for relief of shortages in the healthcare workforce. A testimony in this hearing by a representative of the National Institutes of Health shows that the entire amount of this money was given to research and nothing to one of the causes for which it was granted. I was surprised to find this information and I will use it to harden my solution and improve my argumentative research paper.
Item #: 6
Grade: 93
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/29/2005 5:39:14 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79686
The nature of my issue is a very problematic one with great significance. Since internet (digital) information can be accessed by almost anyone with the right knowledge, action must be taken to make identity theft impossible. My solution of handing digital security over to the government seems like a good plan but, the government already has many things to deal with. To make the problem more significant in my next draft, I think I will suggest a private organization monitor digital transactions. Much like the FDA or TBA has branched off into subgroups to insure safety, I believe that a similar group should be formed for digital security. As I have worked on this research essay I have learned many things about my proposed solution. First off, the government is an extremely large body that has many issues to worry about other than every individual’s transactions for porcelain figurines on EBAY. If the task was handed over to the credit card companies themselves then, this would be a more feasible and acceptable idea. By having every individual credit company donate money to devise a security system, it would display concern for their customers, and advance online marketing technology. The comments that were most effective were pieces of advice from my professor. The one that helped the most was the idea to switch audiences. I was trying to persuade the general public to push the government to take action when I should really be going to the source. By persuading credit organizations to take action, much more can be accomplished. Bringing out the fact that these organizations are providing a non-secure service would raise widespread questioning, leading to companies having to change the way they process orders. The way my research plan and collecting of information has changed during the past two drafts deals mostly with media. Although the internet is a great source for supporting evidence, most websites say the exact same thing. I have now found it to be more beneficial to look to magazines and journals for sources. By doing this I have a number of different opinions from persons who are experts in their fields. I also get both sides of the issue more frequently. As far as other people’s drafts giving me ideas to improve my writing, I can not say that I have seen many. I am actually very disappointed in this generation’s ability to write with correct grammar, as well as their poor organizational skills.
Item #: 7
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Looking Back I See That I Never Really Got It Righ (4/28/2005 8:14:55 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81126
In my 2.2 draft my writing style has improved, but not who I would like it. The particular problem I chose to disscuss was almost too good. Being passionate about computers and knowledgeable has lead me astray on tangents throughout writing and researching the paper. Not being able to focus on the draft very well, I find myself looking up new things that interest me and not the material i should be. But, in reviewing other's draft I see the ways that I can improve. Although I may be superflous in my words and topic, all my information is related to topic in one way or another. As far as actually getting the materials I needed for the research, no problem. Being a nerd, I already knew the sites that I needed to go to. And, already having a background in the topic made the putting together of the information easy.
Item #: 8
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing review (4/26/2005 10:40:18 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80943
This draft was by far one the most in-depth drafts that I have to written out of all the drafts that I did prior to this. When I had to write this draft, I had to do hours of research to make my paper accurate. Also, because of the information that my professor gave me in class it helped me to take my analysis to a whole new level. For example, she told us that if we put every situation into categories, then tell how each situation supports the story we would with that is able to give more detail about my analysis. Moreover, the critiques hit it on the head when it came to my essay. They stated exactly what I feared I did wrong on my essay. One critique said that I needed to stat my thesis better. So I will work on that on the next assignment by asking my roommate to read my first paragraph and see if he can tell what my thesis statement was. Also, the critique said that I need to give more details to my points. With this valuable information, I have found out that even good writers need help on their work. Since my weaknesses have been addressed, I will now work from there to becoming a successful writer. One specific area I can work on is I could give more supporting detail like this one, “In 2003, only seven percent of all disease related advertising went toward cardiovascular disease. (www.cnn.com) Moreover, the outlook for cardiovascular disease in 2010 will only increase to twelve percent. (time.com).” Also, if I were to relate my work more towards the average person instead of a general audience I might be able to connect more with my reader. Like for instance the critique says, “You should have also included people who have cardiovascular disease in your argument. Another useful audience target would have been big companies that fund AIDS awareness.” Also, the critique said, “Yet, you do not give a thorough definition of cardiovascular disease. I think this would be beneficial to your argument because many people, like me, do not know what cardiovascular disease is.” So I will next time write my introduction and give it to someone to read and see if they can pick what my purpose is suppose to be. Also, the critique stated, “You did a good job of collecting research for your paper. Your research is well organized and will be easy to access once you begin to write the rough draft for your essay. You also researched using big name companies, which gives your claim better backing.” With that information, I should be able to make a bullet proof essay. Overall, I received a lot of valuable information that will help me to succeed in my next paper. I can only hope that in the end it will all pay off.
Item #: 9
Grade: 90
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/26/2005 9:38:32 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79276
The issue of Stem Cell Research is problematic. In the 2004 Presidential election, stem cell research was a “hot topic.” The significance behind stem cell research is that the benefits will help society. Stem cell research has been linked to cure several diseases, such as cancer. I believe that I can make this problematic issue more significant by linking the benefits of stem cell research to society. Millions of people suffer from dieses that can be cured by the science behind stem cells research.
I have learned that the solution to my research essay is possible. The solution of the government allowing federal funding for adult stem cell research is in close reach. This solution will surpass the pro-life community because an embryo will not be killed during the scientific research. This solution also surpasses the ethical issues that Christians and religious people are concerned with. Stem stems cells have the same potential as embryonic stem cells have and therefore should be the main for research to be preformed on. To make my solution better, I can add how the affects of stem cell research will benefit the government. By adding this to my paper it will surpass the expectations of another audience.
One student comment stated, “Your questions are exceptional. You have asked hard questions that are the main ones in the debate on the research method. You have done a great job on providing the information behind each question.” This comment allows me to know that my concerns and questions about stem cell research are good and questions that other people might have. The comments that I have received have allowed me to know that I am going in the right direction in my paper and wiring to the right audience.
Some sources that have surprised me is the internet. I was found research studies. These research studies have the evidence that links the science of stem cell research to the cure of diseases. I was not expecting to find this kind of information but, by putting it into my paper it will create a better argument. My view on stem cell research has changed completely. My first thought was to allow embryonic stem cell research but, as I did research on the issue I found that adult stems cell have more potential. With adult stem cells have potential, I find there no need to use embryonic research.
I have not seen anything in other people’s drafts that have given me any ideas to writing my paper.
Item #: 10
Grade: 89
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Revisions Writing Review (4/25/2005 6:15:02 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 78898
I think I was able to cover the requirements for this draft very well. This is an ever growing problem in hospitals today. The statistics show that many factors are directly affecting this matter. The situation as well as the number of cases is growing every day. I hope that providing enough background information that my reader will be able to see what a problematic issue this has become. I have not received any peer comments about my draft yet. I need to revise my claim statement so that it is easily seen, and the reader can better gauge the thought process of the draft.
I have done more research on my topic and can tell right away that this problem will need more than a quick fix solution. The solution will take time, effort, and additional funds. Finding a solution that will satisfy an array of audience members will be difficult, but with more research a clear solution may arise. I know that money is always an issue when a decision is made. I have to keep this in mind when thinking of a strong solution. I need to revise my audience. I have the focus on a group that cannot make decisions. I need to redirect the solution so that it is focused on hospital decision makers.
By finding a specific audience the research areas will need to be revised. I need to focus on one hospital or one unit within a hospital. I need to find information that would help sway that specific audience. My focus is now easier to see once my audience is changed. My sources will need to change to. Since my focus is on a government establishment it should be fairly easy to find information about a specific hospital or hospital unit. There might also be testimonies from patients or doctors who have a direct link to this problem. With this information I would add areas of pathos to my draft which may sway opposition.
By looking at the set up of my peer’s drafts I can better see what works and what doesn’t. I have seen peers with the same general topic. There is variation on the focus with every draft. This has given me a broader picture about my topic. The different aspects that are being taken help me focus my paper further. I saw many drafts with very broad audiences. Some wanted to address the entire United States. This enabled me to look closer at my primary audience. I have the same problem as other peers, in the fact that I have directed my paper towards that don’t make decisions pertaining to the issue.
Item #: 11
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Caring for the Disabled (4/21/2005 7:44:57 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79360
In Draft 2.2 and 2.1, the issue is significant, can be made more significant, I have learned about the solution, can now make the solution more feasible, have learned from instructor comments and peer critiques, I have changed my research plan, have encountered surprising sources, and have seen information in other drafts that may improve my writing. My topic is over care for the moderately mentally retarded. My thesis states “This situation can be improved by giving the disabled hire benefits for Medicaid, moving individuals to homes that include those with the same disorder, and by allowing those to sexual interact with the opposite sex after vasectomies are given.”
This issue is significant because life could be so much better for moderately retarded people in America. To make this issue more significant to readers, I will display ethos, pathos, and logos in my argument.
I have learned quite a bit about my solution in this essay. First of all, I have learned that some states do not even have institutions to care for moderately disabled people. Second, I have learned why. State institutions are worse then private institutions and more expensive. I have also discovered that vasectomies would allow these individuals to have sex without the risk of conceiving a disabled child. I have learned about the psychology, sociology, and feelings of these individuals as well.
The instructor comments were very effective. He/she states “Your topic is fine, but you need to focus on ONE of the problems you've pointed out regarding care for the disabled. You mention Medicaid assistance, housing conditions, employment opportunities and conditions, and social interaction involving vasectomies and sexual activity. This is a very broad topic, and you haven't as yet narrowed it down to something manageable for a relatively short research paper. The sex thing is certainly a unique approach to the issue, though it may be too extreme to find supporting materials for. I suggest focusing on one of the other aspects of caring for the disabled.” In the end, I picked housing conditions.
My research plan has changed to focus on the housing conditions. However, it is still possible for me to use the same sources.
In other drafts, I saw very simple issues. This is a good idea to simplify the issue because the research can be much more focused.
Item #: 12
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/20/2005 6:50:14 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81050
I think that my issue could be more specified, and that I could increase the effectiveness of my writing by providing more substantial concrete statistics and facts. I think that overall I did a good job of providing Three research topics and supporting those with adequate information. Of course there is always room for improvement and I could always add more detail where it is needed and perhaps extract some where it is not. I think that my methods for obtaining information have been honed to be more effective and that the information that I was able to gather for this draft was easier to locate and decipher. I also feel as though I have become more specific and tightened down my research topics and goals. I have also noticed in other people’s drafts the enormous amounts of errors. I think that it is important to look at their mistakes and ensure that I do not make the same mistakes and that I take the time to proofread my work before submitting it. I think that I will concentrate more on Libeskinds past buildings and how they are designed and how they have affected the world. I think that this will be important in establishing the proper depiction of him as an architect. I will also concentrate on the factors that are influencing the leaseholder where the new buildings and memorials are to be built. I think that the most important thing to do in writing the research paper effectively is narrowing things down and including only specific and relevant facts that pertain to the argument. I think that I can be very effective as long as I can find a way to hone everything down and stay on topic. The most valuable aspect of this project has been learning to take large amounts of information, sort through it and pull out the stuff that’s useful. In the process of researching I have found that I can quickly asses the value of the information and therefore expedite my research. This has helped me to view more sources and find the information that is most relevant. I think that this is a very useful tool that I have learned to use this semester and I think that it will help me greatly in my future information gathering endeavors.
Item #: 13
Grade: 93
Title: Writing Review 2.2: social security (4/20/2005 7:12:17 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79999
The issue dealing with the future of the Social Security system is problematic because at one time or another it is going to affect anyone who works in the United States. The reason it will affect everyone is because eventually the worker to retiree ratio is going to be too low and people will not receive their benefits unless taxes are raised or benefits are cut. The government does not want either of these things to happened, so they must do something about this problem. I think that I could make this problem seem more significant by explaining the many bad effects of having our Social Security system fail. If each individual worker realized these effects, I think many more people would be worried about Social Security than there are now whether they are young or old.
I have learned a lot about this topic after doing some research for my paper. Before I was doing research, I was not too sure what my solution was going to be for this problem with the Social Security system. However, now that I am very well informed on the topic, I have come up with a reasonable solution that I think could actually be put into effect. My solution is a variation of what many experts are calling “privatization” of Social Security accounts. Privatization simply means that people will have personal accounts instead of all of the money being thrown into one trust fund, as it is now. This would insure that people’s benefits after they retire would be directly related to however much they saved while they were working. By explaining all of the details of this plan, most people will accept it as a feasible solution even though not everyone will agree with it.
The thing that has helped most with rethinking and revising my papers is just by putting myself in the reader’s position. I try to imagine what I would think about this solution if someone else had presented it to me. Then I ask myself questions that I may not have addressed in the paper, and include these answers in the next draft so that I can cover all of the important aspects of my solution.
By reading other people’s drafts, I have realized what kind of questions I need to be addressing for my paper. I have read some good papers and then some that were not very effective. I think the biggest difference between the good and bad papers was the information they provided. I know now that I need to give my readers the information that they should know about Social Security, and not bore them with the information they do not need.
Item #: 14
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/18/2005 9:50:52 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79758
The issue presented in my paper is by its very nature significant because it involves money. In addition to the issue’s obvious significance I have included such problems as corruption amongst board members and the free election of board officials. These added problems as I explain in the draft will lead to the eventual collapse of education in America. My initial solution to the school funding crisis was crude at best. After researching the topic extensively I realized that the problem was rooted deeper than the squandering of school funds. It was by reading an essay out of a Texas Senator’s brief that showed me the problem with school funding was within the free election of board officials. The brief explained that board officials use unethical tactics to get re-elected – unethical tactics that eventually hurt students in the public school system. In my instructor comment it pointed out that I had not supplied a sufficient number of secondary research questions. This omission damaged my grade, but as a positive I was able to prevent repeating this in my draft 2.3. My research paper has evolved immensely since draft 2.1. For starters, I had very little idea of how to actually write a research paper coming into the draft. I did not even include subheadings in my draft 2.1, something that I have remedied since. I also have changed the way in which I collect information for my paper. I had initially tried to get the majority of my sources from the internet thinking it would save me time. What I did not understand was that for a specific topic such as this finding information off of the internet can be quite problematic and overly difficult. I found that finding information in hard copy was much easier. The information in hard copy is also much more extensive in its provided information and sources. One source that surprised me was the brief from the Texas Senator. It surprised me because it was a politician that was willing to identify a problem within our education system as well as make an attempt to correct it. I read one writer’s draft that inspired me to revise the structure of my drafts. He had very effectively broken down the main issue into three different root problems that had more than one viable solution for each. The draft was easy to read and very informative, I think I will strive to make a paper like this in future drafts.
Item #: 15
Grade: 0
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/18/2005 1:34:49 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80653
Item #: 16
Grade: 90
Title: Writing Review 2.2: The Benefits of Listening to Music in the Womb (4/15/2005 12:31:08 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79155
At the time that I wrote my draft 2.2, my issue was not of a problematic nature. I have since fixed this problem, but for the purpose of this writing review, my biggest problem with my issue is that it was not problematic. I plan on making my issue more problematic by discussing not only the facts and myths behind listening to classical music in the womb, but by also finding out when cognition begins (before or after birth), and by finding out what helps brain development in either situation. This will allow me to focus on both sides of the issue and go into detail about each side, which will allow the audience to make up their own minds about where cognition starts, and what they should do in order to increase their future descendants’ brain development. To be perfectly honest, I have not gotten far enough in my research to see what my “solution” will be. I have evidence that cognition starts before birth and that music helps the brain when faced with mathematical and scientifical problems later in life. There are also things that people can do with their infants to increase things such as hand-eye coordination, and to help raise their IQ. So, I suppose that the logical solution to my issue is that in order to increase the brain development, there must be a combination of pre-natal and post-natal activities, which have been proven to stimulate the infant’s brain. There was only one critique that I found helpful; the other peer critique and grader’s critique completely missed the mark. That is, the grader thought that my topic was not on the approved list, and the peer was incoherent. The acceptable critique that I received, however, did list some areas that I could have improved upon, such as focusing in on a narrower topic, actually including the sources which I am planning on using, and going into more detail about the purpose of the paper, along with making the tone sound more professional. My information has changed in that now I actually have books as sources, rather than just Internet sources. I was surprised by the amount of books in the TTU library on the subject of children’s brain development. I checked out a good number of books on this subject to see what the different takes on cognitive development are, and to see how music impacts the growing cognition of a child’s mind. Even after seeing other people’s drafts, I am still not sure what the research paper proposal is actually supposed to be; that is, how much is information that will actually go into the research paper, and how much is simply telling the audience what you are planning on writing about. However, I do realize now how much more detailed my research paper needs to be than my proposal. The way that I intend to improve my writing is by actually writing my research paper and answering all question that I think should be included in the paper. Thank you.
Item #: 17
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/13/2005 11:29:23 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80169
• Evaluate the nature of your problematic issue--why do you think the issue is significant and how you think you might make it more significant?
The issue I have been researching is very important, because it is over media coverage of the process that elects the leader of the most powerful country in the world. For example, in my first paragraph, I included; “Since a great majority of the American public is personally involved in elections, politicians, and the laws they support, the media automatically will jump on the chance for any interesting topics on it. The media influence on campaigns and the elections has grown to be very common, and has become a very controversial topic. For these reasons, my topic will be the effect of the media on campaigns and elections.”
• What have you learned about your solution as you have worked on this research essay? What do you think you can now include to make the solution more feasible and acceptible that you didn't think of before doing your research?
I’ve learned that my topic’s solution cannot be achieved easily, because there are a many number of possible solutions to answer the question. My question is “ Did the 527 groups have a right to advertise and get the amount of media coverage that they received?” The problem with this is that the solution changes with every opinion depending on which viewpoint you look at it from, which is fairly common. Luckily, this is not a partisan issue, because people from all sides of the political spectrum employ the use of these 527 groups. I’ve managed to find many different perspectives during my research, all of which I will use in my formulation of the solution.
• Which of the critiques and comments have seemed most effective to you, and why? If you didn’t receive any critiques or comments, what has helped guide you in your revision/re-thinking of your topic?
The general availability of information has guided me in which topic I want to tackle, and the direction of questioning I plan to focus on, all to lead me to a solution. I originally wanted to just focus on the general effect of the media, but not only was it too broad, but much too partisan as well. Narrowing the topic made it easier to find more specialized information, but also allowed me to formulate a solution more easily.
• How has your research plan or way of going about collecting information for your argument changed or evolved over the two drafts? What has caused you to change it? What sources did you encounter that surprised you?
My research plan has changed drastically over the last two drafts. I have not only narrowed my research topic and question, but honed my sources from blatant hearsay to actual credible sources. I changed my plan because of the fact that researching the media in general is much too broad, so I narrowed it to one aspect of the most recent election. “The entire purpose of the media is to produce information on topics that will interest the most people, fetch them the highest ratings, so they can charge top dollar for their advertising. Since a great majority of the American public is personally involved in elections, politicians, and the laws they support, the media automatically will jump on the chance for any interesting topics on it. The media influence on campaigns and the elections has grown to be very common, and has become a very controversial topic. For these reasons, my topic will be the effect of the media on campaigns and elections.” So much information can be presented about that from my first draft, that it was ridiculous to attempt.
• What have you seen in other people's drafts that have given you ideas or ways to improve your writing?
In many people’s drafts, I see many instances of pure opinion, instead of objective information that can be obtained through even the most basic of research. I also feel that it is important to write professionally, instead of casual conversation language. After reading other papers, it is painfully apparent that many others do not feel the same way. I feel that learning from these people’s mistakes, I can better my writing.
Item #: 18
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/13/2005 11:23:53 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81170
I found draft 2.2 very difficult to write. I had to spend a great deal of time in the library trying to find sources for my topic. I narrowed my research topic down from the problems with the Social Security System, to why it should become a privatized system. I feel that if people were allowed to manage their own pensions, this would all but solve the current funding problems of the current system. Although the sources were really difficult to find, after reading some of the experts opinions, I am glad that I chose to write about this topic. The internet has been an extremely useful resource also. There are plenty of opinions and different ideas out there that were very interesting to read about.
Item #: 19
Grade: 96
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/19/2005 10:08:52 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80723
I’ve had a difficult time selecting a topic for this paper. I finally settled on this particular one but I don’t even know if this will work. It is fairly broad and is a moral issue that makes it harder to persuade people to come to the side I’m arguing. It is definitely significant. The world is facing an energy crisis, oil production is about to hit its peak in the next few years and the amount available will rapidly begin to decline. Some regulations will have to be lifted if we want to keep our oil driven economies rolling. The environment is important, it is important to protect it. As our eloquent president put it, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.” In order to increase the problems significance I intend to research the coming problems with oil. Making sure those are the strongest points in the paper and playing down counter arguments through other research (i.e. global warming), should make the paper feel a great deal more significant.
I have learned facts about oil production and its effects on the environment, both good and bad. My solution is a little radical, but I want to make sure that compromise can be made. As I said the environment is very important but deregulation may be necessary if our society wants to combat the coming oil shortages. Also with new technologies we can hopefully make less oil go further, or possibly begin synthesizing oil ourselves. Until that happens it is necessary to maximize efficiency so that we can live with smaller amounts of oil while at the same time maximizing production so that we can combat the rising prices.
My research and petroleum classes have helped guide me in my revision/re-thinking of my topic. Through reading and what I’ve learned in class, I have really formed my topic. It is slightly biased towards energy companies, since I am trying to work for one in the future. My topic has changed so I can’t fully respond to the forth prompt. All I can say is that, after writing my proposal I realized that the topic I selected was not in fact a good one to work with. I dug around trying to find other problems, and of course I realized that this has been something plaguing the oil industry from day one, environmental safety. The most surprising information I’ve found is, as I mentioned above, that oil availability is approaching its peak, as soon as it hits this peak it will not be possible to meet growing demands and prices will take off as supply will not be able to meet demand. Oil will become more and more expensive until it will not be an affordable commodity. This process will take decades of course but if something isn’t done in the near future, say the next five to ten years, it will be practically inevitable.
As before, I’ve seen little in other’s drafts that I personally thought of using in my own. I did however see faults that helped me recognize my own.
Item #: 20
Grade: 96
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review (4/12/2005 10:36:21 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79431
While writing draft 2.2 I had the hardest time finding a topic that I had previous knowledge of, find sources on, and actually liking the topic. For my draft 2.1 I chose to use the topic of steroids and how they affect Americans today. This topic did not fit in the topic categories so I had to choose something else. First I tried the topic concerning the funding of public schools. All of the books concerning this topic were checked out. Next I tried the topic concerning the role of arts in public life. After talking to my teacher about what I could research in this area, I found nothing that I knew about arts in public life was controversial. After that I tried finding books on the future of social security. Once again all of the books were checked out. Also a friend of mine that lives on my floor had already checked out all of the books covering the topic of Gerontology so I ruled that topic out as well. Finally I just chose to use the much too popular subject of whether or not reality television is actually reality or not. After researching this topic, which I thought was going to be a joke, I found out that the topic actually had some depth and was very much full of controversy and interest by the American public. The only problem I had with this topic concerning reality shows, however, was once again the issue of lack of available library books on the topic. I made due by using Lexis-Nexis to find published sources and I also used sources off of the Internet. After going through this long, drawn out process, I ran into another problem which was the deadlines of my papers. That is why this writing review was turned in so late. Concerning my draft, the only real problem I think that I might made involved the documentation of my bibliography section where I listed my three research areas and the three sources that I had found that correlated with these areas. To fix these areas, as I will have to in the annotated bibliography, I will use our English book and another book that I possess titled A Manual for Writers. I feel that with the proper time allotted and the use of these previously listed sources that I will make a very successful annotated bibliography. Another area that I struggled in while writing my 2.2 draft was the form of the essay. After getting help from my English teacher I was able to figure it out quite easily. I do not have any critiques of my 2.2 draft as it was not graded by topic since it was so late. I as well do not have an actual copy of the draft that I emailed to my English teacher as I wrote it in the library and was unable to save it on my own personal computer. In the future I will make sure to plan ahead of time when preparing to write a draft. I will do this so that if I run into any major problems, like I did in this draft, that I will be able to still have time to successfully fix them and still get my draft turned in on time. I also hope to be able to produce a higher quality level of work since I will be spending more time on these future papers.
Item #: 21
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/12/2005 10:03:36 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79543
After researching the issue, I have found out many things that I didn’t know before about funding for public schools. The only thing that I knew prior to researching my topic was the Robin Hood act. I only knew a small amount of information on this. I researched using as many sources as I could and I found out much more information. I found out that there is a nation wide concern about funding in public schools. I learned that there have been multiple court hearings and trials about this issue. I didn’t realize prior to my research that funding was such a big problem in our nation today. From my peer critiques, I have learned that I need to revise the main audience of my draft. The people who critiqued my paper saw that my main audience was not affected by the problem of funding in public schools as other audiences are. My main audience of the towns affected by public school funding can be changed to something like the government officials in the cities that are affected, or the mayor of a town. These people can make decisions that can change the policies that are in place in public schools that have problems with funding. I have revised my first and final paragraphs on my previous essay. In the future I plan to change many things in order to make my tone much more professional. I will change the first paragraph to introduce exactly what I am writing about in the body of the essay. In the paragraph that I have right now, I feel that I didn’t explain in detail what my topic was, or give enough background information on the subject. As far as organizational changes go, I have made a few. First off, I have changed where I put my explanation of my sources. I will change them so they come right after the section where they are used to increase the flow of my paper. This problem can be made into an argument because it is an issue in which many people have different view on. There have been many different ideas on what to do with public school funding. Because so many people have different views on the subject, people are able to argue about it by providing valid points supporting their side of the argument. My teacher has helped me very much in the progression of my essay. He has provided us with many tips to use to help our tone be more professional and for our information to be given in the best way possible. The work that we do in class greatly affects my writing.
Item #: 22
Grade: 95
Title: Writing Review 2.2: WR: 2.2 (4/11/2005 10:37:30 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81214
The issue that I chose to solve was the disparity that exists in public education. Rural and urban districts receive a disturbingly lower amount of funding, have less programs available, less opportunities to become involved, and less quality of education than higher income suburban areas. This is mostly due to the face that about 40% of Texas school funding comes from local district property taxes. I think this is significant because it not only shows some problems with the current system and its lack of equality, but it also speaks to a greater class issue in the United States. One of the peer critiques mentioned that I could make this even more significant by "pointing out the detriments of a poor education". For instance, poor education leads to fewer opportunities later in life, increasing the probability that those in the lower class will never be able to rise up. Additionally I could also point out that in several areas a lack of quality education leads to an increase in violence and gang wars. Education tends to be the key for those who want to escape this cycle.
One of the big things I learned was that the reason there tends to be such a disparity in the public education system is because 40% of school funding comes from local property taxes, meaning that the richer areas are going to have higher property values, and thereby have better funding. Additionally, the equalization of state funding applies to the Tier 2 rule, where only 90% of it is equalized. Apparently if only 10% more were equalized that would provide a significant difference in the education being received. I've also discovered that there are caps that are placed on funding, and that most Texas public schools are operating at the 97% range of those caps. Now I realized that I'd probably have to advocate the removal of the caps for Texas schools to receive as much funding as possible. Additionally, I am also advocating for the operation of 100% under Tier 2, and recapturing programs that take local property taxes and distribute them evenly. My grader pointed out that this seems like a bit much, so I might want to be able to narrow it down a little bit. Additionally, they told me that I want to explain how these programs work so that people have a "better understanding" of what I'm talking about.
Most all of my critiques and comments were helpful. The ones that helped me the most were the ones that explained what I might want to change about my tone to be able to appeal to the audience better, and also those who gave their opinions on what some of my arguments were. For instance, one of the peer critiques mentioned that my argument that funding should be more equalized tends to "isolate fiscal conservatives" and that I should try to find a way to phrase the argument that "would appeal to those who are opposed to an increase in social programs". This was helpful because I hadn't even considered the fact that Texas Congress is majority conservative and I should find a better way to articulate the idea so that it would appeal to all. Additionally, the other peer critique mentioned "while my plan sounds like a good idea, I should also research the ability of the state to take away local property taxes." Turns out that there has been some controversy over whether or not recapturing programs are allowed under the Texas Constitution, which is something I'm going to want to include.
Actually my research plan has stayed pretty much consistent. First, I set out to find the current system that Texas uses to fund public education. This breakdown comes to about 49% local, 40% state, and 11% federal. This also led me to the ideas regarding the Tier 2 funding, and the recapturing programs. Next I looked for problems with the current system. There I discovered the problem with disparity in education as a whole, and also the problem regarding the tax cap that is placed on education funding. Next I looked for some solutions to those problems, which include more equalization under Tier 2 funding, and continuing of the recapturing programs. The only surprising sources were websites dedicated to independent organizations that mission statements include maximum equality of education for all children in Texas. There are a fair amount of these, including the program Invest in Texas Schools.
One of the best things that I saw in other students' drafts was the ability to do more hard copy research. The majority of my sources are based in the Internet, and I decided to head to the library to try to find more books that specialize on the subject of Texas public school funding. Additionally, one of the essays that I had to critique had a much more specific plan than I did. It included funding and enforcement agencies in the specific branch of congress to be able to enact it. This spurred me to do more research on the specific departments involved in education funding, which allowed me to find more credible sources to cite. Something else I noticed was the ability of students to identify and adapt to their audience much better. Both of the students had taken into account the level of knowledge that their audience had on the subject and decided to either do more or less explaining of certain terms and jargon to be able to adapt much better. I figure that my audience is split, since the Congress people will probably be aware of most of the programs, whereas the people of Texas as a whole may not be aware of how their public schools are funded.
Item #: 23
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/11/2005 2:33:08 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80836
On draft 2.2 I realized that I must be able to give more sources. My instructor’s comments included that I “need to list at least three specific sources for each subject area,” which would make a total of nine sources. He or she also stated I need to evaluate my audience and purpose more thoroughly. The instructor says that I need to keep in mind that “[my] research paper should not merely inform the reader; it should argue a point.” As I write my research paper, I am going to try to look at this topic from every angle and make it an argumentative subject. I did not receive any peer critiques in time to include them in my review.
Item #: 24
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/10/2005 10:09:17 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79971
I believe my issue is significant because it deals with issues that are prevalent and in the media and on legislation in today’s society. I believe I can make my research issue more significant in my supporting evidence, in the proof that my chosen topic is affecting the American public and its opinion.
I have learned that already several books and many articles have been written on my solution and approach it from different points of view. I believe that including references to some of these opposing opinions will help solidify my stance if I am able to counteract them.
In the revision of my first draft I saw different aspects that I had not considered. I can now go further in depth and research other areas that might have allowed for holes in my stance.
For my first draft my sources were all very thoroughly from the internet. In my second draft my sources have also involved articles from the New York Times and a couple novels on my issue. I expanded for finding information because it was required and because it allows for a more expanded, more credible base of sources. I did not expect to be able to find things that would so specifically deal with my issue in articles of the New York Times.
In improving my writing from seeing the drafts of peers, I believe I would do much better in quoting and expanding on my sources more often.
Item #: 25
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review (4/10/2005 10:59:08 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81289
I think this is a significant problem because it is dealt with by everybody that goes in public. It could end up being a huge problem if not discussed before. I’ve learned a lot about my research topic. One thing I learned is that many people have more problems whit it then you would think. To make my solution more feasible I could include just signs that let the public know they are being watched. The critique that has help the most was to slow down and read my writing more. My researched plan has help when collecting my information by keeping everything organized when I wrote my paper. I’ve seen in others people’s drafts more facts. I think if I added more facts it would make my paper better.
Item #: 26
Grade: 65
Title: Writing Review 2.2: WR 2.2 (4/7/2005 10:10:24 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80835
I think my issue is a very significant one because it is one that people are worried about but don’t always think about. Identity theft is a really big issue because it can possibly ruin people’s lives in a worse case scenario. I think I will be able to make this essay even more significant after looking at all my research that I have been doing. One of the main things I will look at to make it more significant is how it has affected people already and how it can affect others in the future.
I did not receive any critiques yet for my draft. However the main thing that helped guide me to find a good solid topic was my room mate. We were talking about our topics and how they differed and how we could narrow them down. One thing my roommate suggested was finding the narrowest topic because usually you can right more about a narrow topic than a broader topic.
The one thing I now see that I did not see when I submitted my proposal is how many different sources I have to get information for my topic. The main source that people talk about is the internet. I have searched for my topic and the internet comes up with hundreds of different sites that talk about my topic. So I will definitely use the internet as one of my major sources. Another area that I will look into is the library. The library has several different books to read through that will help with my topic. I even found a book called “Identity Theft” which is exactly what my topic is so I hope this book will help me out.
I will collect my information like I previously stated in the last paragraph. Going online and looking at all kinds of sites and printing off articles. Then I will also use the library and use their text books to find different statistics and data about my topic. The main thing that I have seen in other peoples drafts that would help me would be their research questions. I did not think of many research questions, but one of the drafts I read had a whole paragraph of research questions which gave me ideas on what to look for in my topic.
Item #: 27
Grade: 50
Title: Writing Review 2.2: review 2.2 (4/7/2005 11:22:43 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 80964
Everybody has their own problems; well better yet, even things such as countries have problems as well. Discussing the border situation is most likely that last thing to come up when debating about political issues. I know that our country is dealing with difficult situations such as the war in Iraq and allowing the Tsunami victims a little bit more hope. In actuality, forgetting to take care of the homeland is a bit like dropping your kids off in Compton and saying “ Here kids, have some money!” sure you don’t think that nothing is going to happen but what’s around you can be a potential harm. I’m sure that is a little harsh but there are issues that can soon lead to a lot of problems. I just recently watched the news and discovered that a few bills are going into effect, one in 2008. This bill requires everyone no matter whom, has to purchase a passport just to cross into Mexico and the United states. This is supposed to minimize illegal immigrants that have fake Identification cards. When these individuals cross over to give their families money, they will not be able to come back, therefore allowing more citizens to have more of a chance at finding a job. I am sure that only the immigrants take the jobs that nobody else wants but I have worked in construction, roofing, AC installation, fencing and so on. These are jobs that some are just not familiar with. I also am aware of businesses that just want to squeeze a little extra change even if it means breaking the law. I am not sure what the fine is but businesses are hit hard for illegally hiring. I want to know, is talking about the work that is a result of illegal immigration leading off the subject too much. What I am trying to do is bring in different aspect to into the problem as a whole, which is that we need to find a solution before someone could sneak a nuclear weapon across our borders like in the movie” The Sum of All Fears” where Russian chemists build a bomb and hid it in a vending machine. They install in a football stadium where the president is attending. Luckily he escapes but for the thousands of fans, dust in the wind. I need to some more government types of issues dealing with border patrol. Believe me, this will be a paper that might come up with a logical solution to the problem.
Item #: 28
Grade: 83
Title: Writing Review 2.2: (4/7/2005 11:55:40 AM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 79899
When writing this review it took a lot of may time mainly because I knew on this draft I would have to take my time, and look up detailed sites, read a lot of books, and even finding sources on the internet. I have not gotten any comments from my peer critiques and also from my grader so I can’t really give any examples of how I can improve my research paper just by their comments. One thing that I know that I can improve on is that I can go to the Texas Tech Library and look up so much more detailed sources so that it will make my research paper a lot interesting. When I was writing this draft I really did not take the time that I should of taken to make it a lot better than what it turned out to be. In my next draft I plan on looking at my sources and how I wrote them into the paper and see if I wrote them the way that it should be written for example of what I am talking about is that in two of my sources they are TV news reports and I put them as articles so I plan on looking in my book and checking to see which way they are really suppose to be written to make it correct. The second step is that I plan on going to the writing center or even talking with my teacher so that they can help me with my sentence structure and checking for careless errors so that my grade does not go down for not having someone proofread it. I am sure in many of my paragraphs I had sentence structure errors that should of been double checked and not just looked over mainly because my grader is going to see that and bring my grade down so much. The reason why is that is what the tech writing center is for. So in order to improve my next research paper I plan to ask my teacher for help and the writing center, and looking up a lot more sources to make the draft a lot more interesting and have so much more facts to support my claim. I also plan on going and looking at my graders comments and peer critiques when they come in because I know that they will give me tips so that I can fix the problems that were in my paper.
Item #: 29
Grade: 76
Title: Writing Review 2.2: writing review 2.2 (4/6/2005 11:44:00 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81228
Evaluate the nature of your problematic issue--why do you think the issue is significant and how you think you might make it more significant?
In my paper I had to make a modification to the subject before so that I could actually do the paper, before the essay was do. I had two weeks before I had the English class, so I couldn’t get what the subject was. After I met with my teacher, he told me that the subjects were online. He now gave me a new chance to turn in the 2.1 so that I can change the subject to something that is approved. My issue that I was writing is celebrity, and how that celebrity’s influence the public. The way I could make it more powerful is to put more detail in the information that I wrote about. With more details the subject becomes more real and viewed in a better perspective.
What have you learned about your solution as you have worked on this research essay?
I have learned that celebrates and other people that teens look up to when growing up influence their morals and life style more than these kids realize. When I said, “Participants in a study by Susan Boon the director of Psychology at Calgary found, a whopping 60 percent admitted that an idol had influenced their attitudes and personal values, including their work ethic and views on morality. And nearly half said that their idol inspired them to pursue activities including acting, sports, becoming vegetarian or using marijuana. Not every celebrity is openly practicing poor ideals that could be potentially copied, but there are some that are broadcasting a detrimental image that youth perceive as truth and a good strong path to take that will lead them to the lives they have been dreaming of. It is a proven fact that violence on television and in movies influences the youth greatly, is it such a far leap to believe that other things can influence them as well.” This really has changed my perspective on how much we are molded by the outside influence in our environment.
What do you think you can now include to make the solution more feasible and acceptable that you didn't think of before doing your research?
When I said, “The 79 students who expressed strong feelings toward an idol were then asked how seriously they took the relationship, and whether they had ever tried to emulate that person by dressing or behaving like them. Actors from Cary Grant to Tom Cruise topped the list, as did bold-faced names such as Barbra Streisand, Michael Jordan and Isaac Asimov. Participants indicated that despite strong attractions to their idols, they were not inspired to change their own behavior based on these celebrities' lives or accomplishments. But participants' responses to specific questions told a different story. A whopping 60 percent admitted that an idol had influenced their attitudes and personal values, including their work ethic and views on morality. And nearly half said that their idol inspired them to pursue activities including acting, sports, becoming a vegetarian or using marijuana.” If I would of put more input of detail at the end of this paragraph, it would of given the readers more of a idea of what I was talking about.
Which of the critiques and comments have seemed most effective to you, and why? If you didn’t receive any critiques or comments, what has helped guide you in your revision/re-thinking of your topic?
I talked to my teacher on Monday about what subject I needed to use, and if the one I was already using was ok. He said that I should change my subject to something that is on the approved list. He also said that I could put more of myself into the writing, and not make it so impersonal.
How has your research plan or way of going about collecting information for your argument changed or evolved over the two drafts? What has caused you to change it? What sources did you encounter that surprised you?
I have turned to the internet for my information that I used in my paper. I also asked people what the thought about the subject matter. I will get more information for my next paper that is do. My teacher said that I would need more detail to make my essay better.
What have you seen in other people's drafts that have given you ideas or ways to improve your writing?
Other people’s paper had a lot more writing that I did and also I saw that they had tons more detail that I had in my example of specifics for my subject. They also had papers that were much longer than my first paper, I think that if I lengthen my paper with important details that the subject would be made more clear. In my new essay I will try to improve how I get my ideas across. If I would put more of myself into then I think that I will become a better writer.
Item #: 30
Grade: 76
Title: Writing Review 2.2: Writing Review 2.2 (4/6/2005 9:31:50 PM)
Syllabus #: 2369
Student Id: 81169
Evaluate the nature of your problematic issue--why do you think the issue is significant and how you think you might make it more signficant?
I think that the issue at hand is very significant. Awareness of privacy in the digital age is a very important issue, because almost everyone, especially internet users, could stand to know a bit more about how they may or may not be exploited. "I believe the writer has clearly outlined a truly significant problem. Insuring privacy in this digital age is a very important issue that the United States needs to address," said one of my peer critiques. I think that they understood what I was intending to express: privacy is not a luxury. It's a necessity, and it goes hand in hand with safety.
What have you learned about your solution as you have worked on this research essay? What do you think you can now include to make the solution more feasible and acceptible that you didn't think of before doing your research?
I haven't really amended my solutions, because I feel that what I have come up with will satisfy the questions my readers might ask. However, having said that, I do think that I could have made my research subject areas a little more self-explanatory for the readers of my proposal. I think that my solution should be geared more towards the American public, which would inevitably help support my claim, and back up my solutions to the obvious problem.
Which of the critiques and comments have seemed most effective to you, and why? If you didn’t receive any critiques or comments, what has helped guide you in your revision/re-thinking of your topic?
"It is an interesting problem and you seem to be deeply concerned about it. However, you may want to try to narrow down your topic maybe to a particular method of identity theft of privacy invasion, such as spyware. Adware, although annoying, is relatively harmless. However, you also need to make sure that your draft grows into an argumentative paper, and not just exploratory one, and that your argument rests on some factual evidence.
" This is one of the instructor comments that I recieved. I think that it was very beneficial, because it let me know that I need to narrow down my topic a bit, and focus more on one part of my argument. I will most likely aim the paper in the direction of internet privacy.
How has your research plan or way of going about collecting information for your argument changed or evolved over the two drafts? What has caused you to change it? What sources did you encounter that surprised you?
I think that my draft has been fairly consistent over the past two proposal assignments. However, I have noticed that my area of study has shifted more towards the internet, and away from other areas of digital privacy. I was surprised to find that researching the topic outside of the internet was fairly tedious, because it is a topic that does not have a widely published book base.
What have you seen in other people's drafts that have given you ideas or ways to improve your writing?
I have seen a lot of my own sentiments in other student's drafts. While my topic is different, I have see that my own convictions in the matter are not necessarily a matter of opinion, but seem to be a statement of necessity. However, in other's drafts, I have seen a bit less in the way of opinions. I don't agree with that, but it has made me wonder if perhaps my proposal is too opinionated.
|